So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
