just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
