there's paper in my vomit.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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