I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
