I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
