I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Nobody cheats on THIS.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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