The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
