Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
