I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
