...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
