Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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