I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
He passed out mid-signature
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
