Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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