First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
