I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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