Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
