please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
