I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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