I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
