This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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