Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize