How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
