I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
