we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
