I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
