Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
