I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
