I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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