it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
