I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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