Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize