the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Randomize
