we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
