Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
