Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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