You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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