Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
