Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
