i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
