what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
