last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
