Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
