life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
false alarm. still invincible.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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