Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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