Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
