All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
