I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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