dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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