dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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