Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize