what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
