if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
