i think my tv is drunk
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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