We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
