I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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