this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
