Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
