I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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