If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
